Apparently, there are how-to books, and then there are how-to books.
I mean, what a wonderful place this world is when you can find books
that help you in your quest to date a vampire, hypnotize anyone in under
a minute, or be the best zombie you can be. You want to do ____?
There’s a book for that, people. And in keeping with this helping
spirit, I give you five of the most hilarious how-to books. Some of
these are meant to be funny, and some are, sadly, meant to be taken
very, very seriously. I’ll let you decide which is which!
I gotta say, this book has to be my favorite “how-to.” I mean, all
this time I was thinking that my parents’ sweet little kitty was showing
his affection by kneading their stomachs with his paws or dropping dead
bugs at their feet. The Oatmeal here tells us otherwise. Kneading a
human is a cat’s way of checking for weak organs! Dead things dropped at
your feet are WARNINGS, NOT PRESENTS! Who knew?
According to the description, this book has it all: “probing essays,
lists, profiles, barstool rants, queries, pedantic footnotes, play
scripts, commonplace miscellany, and overly revealing memoir.” Oh my. I
guess if you hate awkwardness, this book will make you really squirmy.
But if you didn’t find shows like The Office too painful to watch,
then you’re good for this book.
According to the reviews, this book isn’t as in-your-face,
here-are-all-the-answers-toute-de-suite! as its title suggests. It’s
more about making yourself confident than tricking someone into falling
in love with you (in 90 minutes or less!). But why 90 minutes? Why not
114 minutes? Or 58 minutes? Or 1 minute? And all that stuff that people
say about cultivating a relationship over time and actively making it
work? I guess this book would call that stuff a bunch of malarkey.
Ok, so the zombie apocalypse is coming someday- are you prepared??? I
mean, don’t you want to be the very best zombie that you can be? There
will be plenty of zombies around, and you don’t want to blend in with
that same tired look of blood and brains and ripped clothing. Let this
book help you get your zombie game on.
This how-to promises to teach you how to really “sink your teeth
into” a relationship with a vampire (eye-roll, eye-roll, eye-roll). (Did
I mention that bad puns drive me insane?) Anyway, if you’ve
ever been madly in love with a vampire, or you wished that YOU could
have hung out in Dracula’s castle, this is most certainly the book for
you. I guess a “mwah ha ha” is in order here.
(first posted on Book Riot 10/22/13)