An Absolutely Serious Analysis of TOOTLE

I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but Tootle, far from being a cute children’s book about a curious baby train, is actually virulent fascist propaganda.

Now, my 3-year-olds are a little obsessed with it, and that’s fine. It’s pretty amazing that they’ll sit through such a relatively lengthy book right before bed. The content, though? Well, it’s really problematic, but if my husband and I were to try reading a different book while surreptitiously dropping Tootle into an industrial shredder, the twins would drop us into the industrial shredder instead so…

But seriously, people. According to the story, this baby train named “Tootle” goes to train school and takes classes in stopping for red flags, staying on the rails (NO MATTER WHAT), and all kinds of other things. But Tootle, being a curious, rambunctious creature, takes off-rail romps through meadows, racing horses, making daisy-chains, and generally having a helluva time. But the citizens of the town realize that Tootle is breaking the cardinal rule (staying on the rails) and they get together to teach him his lesson: i.e. do what you’re told and stay on the straight and narrow or we’ll make you cry.

An Absolutely Serious Analysis of GOODNIGHT MOON

My beef here is not with the author so much as with the illustrator of Goodnight Moon. But don’t worry, Margaret Wise Brown- you’re not off the hook.

I mean, COME ON, Clement Hurd, what are you trying to do, burn my retinas with your orange and green and blue insanity? Why does this room have to be so crazed with color? It’s like a circus vomited on a neon-art convention and the Hazmat team arrived waaay too late.

If my parents had read this book to me when I was little (and thank god they didn’t), I would’ve had nightmares- red balloons, green walls, red carpet…didn’t I read somewhere once that too much red in a room could drive someone bonkers? Makes sense to me.

An Absolutely Serious Analysis of THE TALE OF PETER RABBIT

Have you ever read Beatrix Potter’s The Tale of Peter Rabbit to your child? Yes??

Come here. Sit down. We need to talk.

I’m sorry, but your child is now forever scarred. He/she will either grow up to be horribly traumatized by bunnies or become a bunny-killer. It’s inevitable. That cute little white tail, those cute ears- yeah, not so much.

BUT THIS IS JUST A HARMLESS CHILDREN’S BOOK! I hear you say.

YOU’RE READING TOO MUCH INTO IT! I also hear you say.

But answer me this. Which rabbits do you know who dress up in jackets and shoes? What kind of rabbit has a name? Exactly.

An Absolutely Serious Analysis of THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR

The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

What even is this book.

I mean, yes, it’s about a very hungry caterpillar. He’s so damn hungry, he eats, like, the whole world, and then gets really big and turns into a butterfly the end.


But let’s look more closely at this seemingly innocuous children’s classic. After all, we wouldn’t want to be sending the wrong messages to our children, NOW WOULD WE.

An Absolutely Serious Analysis of BUT NOT THE HIPPOPOTAMUS

First, let me just clarify for those out there who might not understand that I’m being horribly, horribly facetious in posts like this, that I absolutely love Sandra Boynton because her books calmed my twins when they were crazy almost-toddlers– without fail.

But now, because it’s just so much fun and I really can’t help myself, I shall proceed to critically dissect and analyze Boyton’s classic But Not the Hippopotamus as if I were a stereotypical Dry Old Professor with absolutely no sense of humor. If I were this person, what would I write if someone asked me to produce a close-reading of this text? Well, you’re about to find out.

An Absolutely Serious Analysis of CLICK, CLACK, MOO

I recently took my kids for their yearly check-up and the pediatrician gave them each a new book: Click, Clack, Moo: Cows That Type and The Ant and the Big Bad Bully Goat. Of course, I was pleased. I mean, FREE BOOKS.

We took them home and I read them aloud to my boys. And wow the disappointment. I mean, Click, Clack, Moo, has so many problems. What a terrible book. I decided to write a critical analysis of it here on Book Riot to explain why I was so irritated by this supposed classic.