Better Endings for Classic Texts

1. Death in Venice by Thomas Mann- Ol' Gussie thinks to himself, "hmm, that Tadzio is pretty smokin', but he's just not worth kicking the bucket for- I'd rather avoid cholera or malaria or whatever and find me some other smokin' thing," and leaves Venice on the next boat. So simple!

2. Paradise Lost by John Milton- God thunders, "yo, you guys broke the rules, outta my garden!" and Adam and Eve are like, "oh, man, we're super sorry, God, um, if we trim some animals' claws and tidy up a bit around here, could we maybe stay? Cause we're REALLY sorry. Won't happen again." And God's like, "wellllllll.....ok, one more chance. But I'm watching you." Adam and Eve clean their hut up and take care of the animals better and they get to keep their chill digs.

3. Little Dorrit by Charles Dickens- After Amy and Arthur finally declare their love, blah, blah, blah, and Arthur says "marry me, babe!" Amy should have said, "ok, cool, but first we have to go all around the town and beat the crap out of all the people who treated us like dog poop," and Arthur's like, "rockin'!" and they kick some well-deserved ass. The End.

4. Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie- Poirot did it! (Figure that one out!)

5. The Magic Mountain by Thomas Mann- Hans finds out that World War I is going down and decides, eh, he'd really rather not do that whole killing/maiming/shooting/gassing thing and just stays at the sanitorium with his cuz Joachim, sipping lemonade and checkin' out that hot Claudia Chaucat chick.

6. Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett- One dude says to the other dude (after about a minute)- "Godot's not coming, let's split." And they split.

7. The Iliad by Homer- The clueless Trojans are about to let in the pretty horsie when someone stands up and says, "are you guys INSANE? I don't know, but I'm gonna guess that that horse is bad news, considering we've got the enemy at the gates, etc. So, ixnay on the orshay! Seriously!" and some of the non-brainless people are like, "yeah, girl's got a point," and they say, "no thank you!" to the guy delivering the horse.

8. Beowulf by some unknown dude- The monster is about to wreak himself some good old fashioned havoc at the local mead hall when one very brave Dane steps up and says, "You, freaky monster thing! Just tell us what you want!" and Freaky Monster Thing says, "Uhhhhhhhrrrrr, me want cookie and mead." So the Danes are like, "well! If that's all you want..." and the monster sits down to a big feast of cookies and mead. And then he goes home to his mommy (who lives under a lake) and she puts him to bed.

9. Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare- Romy and Jule see how thick-headed their families are being and run off to Vegas. Problem solved!

10. "The Awakening" by Kate Chopin- Edna is about to hurl herself into the ocean when she thinks, "wait, I'm doing this because of some little punk? Screw that!" and has herself a nice little swim, returns to the beach, and suns herself while reading a romance novel. 

11. Hamlet by William Shakespeare- When Hamlet really starts to get his crazy on, Ophelia hauls off and smacks him hard across the face and says "DUDE, snap out of it. You're being bonkers. Let's order a pizza and you tell me what this is all about. I assume it's your dad and your mom marrying that other dude, blah blah blah, yes? Ok, I'll help you work through it." And so, over pizza, they talk about it and Hamlet feels much better. And nobody gets murdered. 

12. "The Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka- Gregor wakes up and realizes that it was just a dream, he is not a bug, and then he starts getting ready for work. But, uh oh, he looks in the mirror and sees that he's actually a squid!!! Oh no!

13. Moby-Dick by Herman Melville- Just when Captain Ahab and the whale finally smack into each other and prepare to duke it out, Ahab has a change of heart and decides to attach a GPS device to it so he can monitor his ferocious friend from anywhere in the world, just cause Ahab worries, you know, about the whale and wants to make sure that it's safe and everything. It's a jungle out there- I mean, an ocean- I mean...

14. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte- Jane says to Roch "actually, I'm gonna backpack around Europe. Oh wait, I'm already in Europe, then America. C ya, wouldn't wanna be ya."

15. 1984 by George Orwell- O'Brien says, "psych! Just playin', Winston. You're free! See ya later."

(the first 10 were posted on Book Riot 8/19//13)